Editor’s Note: Seriously is a satire column, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. The views expressed do not necessarily represent the views of the Collegian’s editorial board.
Claiming that Libertarians everywhere want to “resist the temptation of government and grow closer to God,” Executive Director of the Libertarian Party Wes Benedict announced that the Libertarian Party is giving up paying taxes for Lent.
“We as Libertarians want to refocus this time of year on our most Heavenly duty: to not do a goddamn thing for anyone else,” Benedict said, noting that while Libertarians would be participating in the Catholic tradition of Lent, it’s not like they’re religious or anything. “Our country was founded by people who wanted to be free from religious persecution and we hope the statists respect our religious rights to not give a fucking dime to benefit anyone other than ourselves.”
When questioned by critics, Benedict defended the move as “living as God intended, probably,” free from the shackles of shared social responsibility and having to actually cooperate with other human beings.
“I don’t know the Bible, like, super well,” Benedict said, “but the devil is totally a statist. I mean, forcing people to give up their souls and suffer for eternity? He’s like the IRS!”
When asked by reporters why the party didn’t simply give up government for Lent, Benedict said that the idea hadn’t been discussed.
“Damn, that’s a good idea! Why didn’t we think of that?”
At press time, Benedict could be overheard loudly debating the merits of the Sixteenth Amendment with tax collectors, arguing that the constitutional right of the government to collect taxes was “freaking bogus.”
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