DISCLAIMER: This advice probably shouldn’t actually be followed, but you should read it anyway because it’s funny.
Is it better to play beer pong or quarters?
This is a tough one. The problem with drinking games is that they require a high amount of concentration and skill, which is hard enough on its own. Except you have to do them intoxicated which makes it even worse. Personally, I think drinking games are overrated, I mean if you’re gonna get drunk, just chug and get it over with. But I guess if you’re at a party and there’s someone cute in the corner, checking you out, and you don’t know how to go up and start a conversation, your only other option may be to slay at a drinking game. So that they are so impressed that they fall in love with you ….I mean you gotta do what you gotta do.
Quarters is fun because you get to sit, so if you’re too lit (which happens more often than not), you still get a chance to socialize. But in my opinion, it’s a lot harder. I mean whose idea was it to bounce a metallic abnormally shaped object into a glass, while under the influence of a substance that deprives you of basic motor and judgement skills? Also, why is it that every time you get the quarter in the glass, someone ELSE drinks? Where is the fun in that?
Pong is definitely a fun game because you get to have a team of two, supplying you with the chance to ask a cute someone if they’d like to be on a team with you. But it also sucks because if you’re bad, it’s completely detrimental to your reputation. The absolute worse thing ever is when both teams are going head to head and there’s only one cup on each side of the table and the other team shoots the ball in their cup. So your team is going in for the redemption shot, your teammate makes it in and it’s all on you to bring the game back. You shoot, but you are so off that the ball doesn’t even come close to the table and you watch the other team as they drunkenly celebrate while you glance at your teammate’s sad, disappointed face as he sulks back into the crowd without even looking at you.
So yeah, I would say quarters. Definitely quarters.
How do I make sure my drink doesn’t get roofied at a party?
As awful as this is, it is very real problem. My first piece of advice would be to not even go to parties, especially parties populated by people who think drugging a drink is okay. However, sometimes your squad wants to get all cute and go to some frat party. So you go along because they’re your friends and you just wanna have a good time too, which is understandable. And since society wants to reject the idea that rapists are the ones responsible for rape, it looks like your only other option is to succumb to victim-blaming and try to prevent it yourself.
It’s important to note that you should NEVER EVER EVER take a drink from someone at a party. Even if you pour it yourself, you can’t trust those crusty Bernasty bottles on the sticky frat house bar that’s covered in god-knows-what. Get your own bottle and never let go of it (unless the cops come, then you should throw it as far away from you as possible and run in the opposite direction). In your other hand, you should carry pepper spray. Threaten to spray it at anyone who comes within an arm’s length from you. And if that still doesn’t work, try calling your congressman and demanding justice for victims of rape. Because to be honest, no matter what you do, no matter how preventative you are, a rapist is still a rapist.
How do I stop losing all my things when I’m lit?
I’m still trying to figure this one out. So far, the only method that’s worked for me is supergluing everything I own to my body. If I come up with a better solution, I’ll definitely get back to you.
If you need some advice, or just want a good laugh, email your question to: firstname.lastname@example.org.