Declaring that he wanted to “make Christmas great again,” president-elect Donald Trump announced Wednesday his plans to replace the National Christmas Tree at the White House with a supermodel clad in a holiday-themed bikini.
“It’s terrible the way this administration has gotten caught up in bad, do-nothing traditions — I’m draining the swamp on this old tree and replacing it with something truly beautiful that will make people not afraid to celebrate Christmas again,” said the incoming leader of the free world, who added that he felt that all the lights and decorations on the tree sent the wrong message about being comfortable in your own skin and not picking fights on Twitter in the middle of the night. “The dishonest media will probably say I’m ruining their ‘holiday safe spaces’, but you know what I say to them? When you’re a president, they let you do it. Grab ’em by the stump. You can do anything.”
According to White House officials, Trump will personally inspect each supermodel himself in a private suite in Trump Tower to find one with a “festive look to her”.
At press time, Trump could be seen motioning in construction crews carrying a 25-foot golden pole from which to more prominently display the model.
Collegian Assistant Opinion Editor and Blogger Sean Kennedy can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter at @seanskenn. He also hosts a weekly radio show, SUBMERGE, on Sundays from 7-9 p.m. on KCSU Fort Collins. Leave a comment!!
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