Donald Trump emerged Wednesday morning the victor of a long presidential race. The country is now divided, as half the country is thrilled, and the other half is terrified.
One man is happy with the results simply because he feels he is now free to admit to what he likes.
“Before, with all this political correctness bullshit, I couldn’t be myself,” said John Thomas. “Now I’m not afraid to say ‘I like mayo.’”
Thomas, a 42-year-old man who works in construction, has felt unable to express himself in the past, but now feels free to listen to music on his phone without headphones, order Trump steaks cooked well-done, and proclaim his love for mayo.
“I’m really concerned about how this election has freed people up to act to inappropriately in public,” said Lisa Milong.
Milong was making her weekly Target run when she witnessed Thomas playing Macklemore out loud on his smartphone in the chip aisle.
“I can’t help but wonder if that man would have acted the same a week ago,” said Milong. “The America I know and love knows to wear headphones in public. I’m appalled.”
Next, Thomas looks forward to buying himself a case of Keystone beers, not because it’s cheap, but because he likes it.
Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.
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