Audiences were captivated Thursday as Tony Frank’s beard looked freaking sweet as sh*it at his annual Fall Address about something or other.
Sources report that onlookers were visibly anxious, with some breaking into hysterics, as they crowded together to bask in the manly musk of Frank’s follicle phenom while he spoke about “coming together as a university” or whatever the f*ck. Many in the audience could be seen holding signs bearing slogans like “Beard Give Me Strength” and “Just a Touch?” while others pleaded with Frank for just five minutes alone with his beard.
At one point in the address, an errant drop of spit lingered in Frank’s beard, “sparkling like a crystal” according to some observers, before falling to the ground, eliciting moans of longing from the audience.
One man had to be physically restrained and removed during the speech after he threatened to assault Frank if he didn’t give him “a good feel of all that bushy goodness.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Frank’s speech “sounded important,” though none could offer any information as to what he discussed.
Collegian Assistant Opinion Editor and Blogger Sean Kennedy can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @seanskenn. He also hosts a weekly radio show, SUBMERGE, on Sundays from 7-9 p.m. on KCSU Fort Collins. Leave a comment!!