In a bold move on Monday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan called for a moment of silence for the victims of the Orlando massacre on the House floor.
“I was really motivated by his complacency and inaction regarding gun control,” God said, “so I made the decision to suspend all gun violence in America.”
Although inspired by many things in the last week, God decided that Paul Ryan’s dedication to not considering any drafted bills concerning gun violence was the right move. Impressively ignoring other House Representatives concerns, Ryan has yet to talk about gun control.
The following day, Ryan took time in a press conference to talk about Congress’s inaction regarding radical Islam, although only three of the last several dozen mass shootings in the country are tied to radical Islam.
“There’s something so lovable about scapegoating and horrible math,” said God. “As a result, I thought I would use some of my power to magically end gun violence in this great country.”
None of this is surprising; God actually has quite the reputation of getting personally involved in issues that could be handled legislatively.
Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.