Let’s be honest. We all use Tinder. Sure, some of us started “using it as a joke” or “just have it to meet people.” But when all things are said and done, that little ring tone that plays when you get super-liked is recognizable by the masses. For those of you who haven’t quite hopped on this online-dating bandwagon, here is a list of seven guys you are guaranteed to encounter upon downloading the app:
1. The guy with a puppy in his picture.
It is a universal Tinder truth that nothing gets those right swipes quite like a good selfie with a fluffy dog. There is no shame in swiping right solely for the dog or asking the guy if his husky and corgi mix can accompany him on your date to the Oval. Everyone in this situation knows what’s going on, and no one is mad.
2. The guy who has climbed more mountains than anyone.
Due to our prime geographic location, pictures of shirtless guys climbing mountains come in an abundance. I am not complaining, but I do feel a little self-conscious because climbing isn’t a little hobby these guys do between classes. It’s a “lifestyle.” So be careful. These outdoorsmen will be all like, “Hey, I’m Chad and I’ve traveled across the country to 14 different states where I climbed 17 mountains upside-down in the dark. And also, my hair is longer than yours even though you’ve been growing yours out for years.” And you’ll be like, “Why, hello. I’ve climbed my lofted dorm bed at least 800 times, I can eat a whole Krazy Karl’s pizza by myself and I’ve traveled to two of my classes today.”
3. The guy who has one picture, and it’s his car.
Sir, who told you this was a good idea? I understand that when people are looking for a potential partner, a car would be a bonus. But if you’re on Tinder, I’m pretty sure you’re highly interested in the guy’s face as well. Also, I could care less about how nice your car is. If you can buy me food, I will hop on your handle bars. I don’t care as long as I’m full. But maybe you’re not like this, and cars are a big deal to you. In which case, you are in luck and will probably beat me to Pita Pit.
4. The guy who is in one of your classes that you matched with because you kind of know him, and now it’s awkward.
This will happen to you, and you will feel weird. It’s generally unspoken Tinder etiquette to swipe right for people you know, which can sometimes include people you kind of know and can put you in an awkward spot. It’s especially awkward when you’re sitting across from him in geology and you make eye contact, but neither of you say anything because you don’t know whether you got a polite swipe or a “your face is really nice” swipe. But it’s okay. Every class ends at some time.
5. The guy holding a fish.
This kind of guy is so unbelievably frequent. Almost every other picture is a guy in camouflage holding a fish he just caught, and I’m always so confused. How is this supposed to make potential matches feel? What is the goal here? Are these guys trying to advertise that upon an apocalypse and the inevitable collapse of all grocery stores, they will be able to provide for their Tinder date? Does the size of the fish have a significance? What does it mean when the guy has more than one fish? A bunch of tiny fish? A shark?
6. The occasional CU Buffs guy.
Unfortunately, CU guys will sometimes infiltrate our city limits and litter our Tinders with their selfies. Sometimes, you’ll accidentally match with one of them because you scanned their photos too quickly and were so distracted by their capability of including every party picture they’ve ever taken into their profile and forgot to read their carefully-crafted “SKO BUFFS GET MONEY” bio. It’s okay, though. We’ve all been there. But be warned, because they may say something silly along the lines of, “Hey, you’re cute for a CSU girl.” You already know. We’re all cute. Un-match them immediately.
7. The guy who’s fake.
There is some 12-year-old somewhere trying to punk all of CSU, and he is doing the worst job. There are no 18-year-old professional snowboarders, who are also the CEOs of their own company, who also happen to have great jaw lines and six dogs. If you’re out there, then hit me up. But until proven otherwise, this kind of person does not actually exist.
Collegian Reporter Miranda Moses can be reached email@example.com or on Twitter @mirandasrad.