So said a group of Colorado State University students upon their life-changing discovery that the small college town in which they live had microbreweries.
Yeah. You heard right — Fort Collins actually makes beer.
“This stuff is phenomenal, and it’s so cool that the brewery is located right here in Fort Collins,” said senior Eric Evanston. “Have you tasted this IPA? It’s a dark brew with hints of chocolate, fruit and nutmeg — it tastes like mahogany wood furniture and advice from your dad.”
Many students find it both delightful and shocking that in a town where a significant percent of the population is made up of college students, there exist establishments solely dedicated to their needs, like hiking, biking and douche-y alcohol consumption.
“This isn’t just a beer, you know? It’s really a FoCo lifestyle kinda thing,” said junior Tory Malstrom.
Micro-breweries began popping up all over the country after President Jimmy Carter de-regulated the market in the late ’70s. So there’s no surprise as to why CSU students are so infatuated with their beer. The idea of brewing and producing locally is clearly a very new and innovative concept.
The process of creating these craft brews is complicated and lengthy. Most breweries have a base recipe that includes barley, hops, an inflated sense of self and yeast.
“It is not just about just going out, and drunk getting, getting drunk. It’s so important to taste the beer,” said junior Sarah Huan. “Quantity above quality. I mean — I messed that up didn’t I?”
Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at firstname.lastname@example.org.