Dear Aunt Aggie,
I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. But unfortunately, it seems like for a lot of guys I meet, a purity ring is an instant deal-breaker. I haven’t been able to find anyone who is willing to start a relationship where sex is completely off the table. It’s not like I want to give up my values, but it’s sad to never be considered girlfriend material and it’s getting me down. How do I keep waiting for a guy that’s willing to wait for me even though he may not exist? Is it stupid to even think I can ask that of someone? Sometimes I think my choice is either put out or be alone.
Keeping Faith but Losing Hope
Dearest Keeping Faith,
I will admit you are in a tough situation. There is no denying the college hookup culture we are eyeballs-deep in, and it is hard enough for most of us to find a relationship that includes anything more than sex, let alone one that excludes it entirely.
BUT, we persist. And so should you.
Clearly, your beliefs are very important to you. They make up part of your identity, and that means the following: Under no circumstances is it acceptable for you to sacrifice your morals and beliefs for someone else’s (or your) momentary pleasure. You know this of course, you have a ring on your finger to remind you of this very fact. So we can quickly dismiss the hare-brained idea of you “putting out” just to be accepted. Goodness, I feel like we are in eighth grade sex ed all over again.
It is perfectly acceptable for consenting adults to want to include sex in their relationship, and so it makes sense that many people would be disappointed knowing they would not be able to experience you in that way. However, allow me to reference my initial commentary: Most of us are, on some level, looking for a connection that is more than sex. That means we are looking for amazing personalities, common interests and a sense of humor. You, my dear, clearly have the personality, since you had the good sense to write to your Auntie. You have the sense of humor, too, since your Auntie is an aging ram in a bad dress.
Of course, I should address a common argument: “You wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it first, would you?” Or the even more cringe-inducing: “You wouldn’t buy a house without going inside it first.” Setting aside the blatantly objectifying nature of these “buying” arguments, the fact remains that a PERSON is not the same as a HOUSE. The entire point of purchasing a house is to be inside it, and I hope with all my being that none of you Rams are planning on getting married to someone just to be inside them. Sex may be part of a marriage, but it is NOT the reason for it. A foundation of trust and communication can overcome any unforeseen bedroom troubles, but the consequences of compromising your values are not so easily repaired.
My point? YOU are worth the wait. I know it can frustrating, but eventually, wading through the f**kboys (to use the lingo of the World Wide Web) will pay off in something real. And who says you need to sit around twiddling your thumbs while you wait?! Take your wonderful self out into the world and do something amazing.
But do not forget to write to your Auntie.
Lots of love,
In desperate need of advice or a swift kick in the pants? Aunt Aggie can help. Send your pleas in to firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @CollegianC with the hashtag #AuntAggie.