Goodbye sweet college, you beautiful beast – you multifaceted multicolored washboard of pure flavor. Since the first time I entered the dorms and met my roommate, Logan, I knew that we would be together forever, college. Or at least for four years.
Oh, college, you taught me how to sleep in class and wake up for iClicker questions and how to hit my snooze button three times per morning. You held my hair in the dank alleyways of Old Town and kicked me in the groin for staying with that one woman for too long. You showed me how to turn one ambiguous phrase into a five page paper and how to compliment online tests with a nice six pack. Yes, college, you’re the real MVP.
But, all good things must come to an end.
Gone are the days of beer-soaked floors and champagne-laden ceilings. I have to bid farewell to Scantron tests and RamCT. Tears will fall when I reminisce about forgetting to pay my energy bill and freezing that cold night in December. Beer Olympics, backyard half-pipes, campus radio, spraying fire extinguishers in buildings (twice), cliff-jumping at Horsetooth and games of baseball will dot my mind when I think the word “college.”
There will be no more learning how to drink – from now on, it’s an expected mastery. Dorm food will no longer slide down my gullet and blast from my nether regions in a bathroom shared by four dudes. I don’t expect my room to smell like feet anymore, and for some reason, this saddens me.
You see, college, you have been the greatest four years any man could ask for. I am forever indebted to your mighty grace in the face of my tomfoolery. You’re hands guided me on a path to real life and, although there were some hiccups along the way, I couldn’t have asked for a better teacher. My professors, friends, girlfriends, acquaintances and random encounters were all a part of the master plan. With that, I can confidently enter the void and recognize my potential as not just a student, but as a global citizen.
So thank you Matt, Nelson, Dan, Logan, Logan, Steven, Nick, Dr. Pork, Jake, Tessa, Mia, Chandler, Roy, Jackson, Schuyler, Ashley, Collin, Alex, Sammy, Kyle, Ian, Cristina, Kaitlyn, Abe, David, Taylor, Grey, Heather and all the rest (you know who you are). It’s been a pleasure, but school Dave needs to go spread his wings and fly.
College, it has been a treat. You’re perfect as you are – please don’t change.
Collegian A&E Contributor Davis English can be reached at email@example.com.