Note: This article may not be entirely accurate. Or at all accurate.
CSU’s chancellor and president, Tony Frank, has stirred reports and concerns after being found in the Oval screaming at his favorite tree. His new behavior has been described as “unusual” and “geometric” by the University’s faculty, art majors and various campus squirrels.
“I saw Frank climbing a tree once,” said unconcerned sophomore Kyle Kale. “It’s nice to see him in his natural habitat.”
Kale refused to elaborate on his sighting of Tony Frank, as he was occupied with sorting a bag of Skittles by color.
Other sources indicate that Tony Frank smeared a combination of Nutella and a Chipotle burrito on his shirt, yet again, to gain student approval.
“I’m just trying to blend in with you chill rammies,” Frank said as he casually licked rice off his hands. “Don’t be hatin’ cause it’s my job to love my homie rammies.”
Tony Frank’s new attire is his latest attempt to boost his approval ratings after receiving negative feedback about the construction of a new on-campus stadium. After Frank made the public announcement, he reportedly visited several classes and heckled students from the back of the room.
These incidents are coming to light only three days after the University announced that Tony Frank has been consistently breaking his 8 p.m. curfew. Last week, Frank was caught at City Park multiple times without parental permission or supervision.
“I heard Tony Frank was playing fetch with Gossip Squirrel at City Park once,” said freshman Jared Verda. “I never knew he had canine instincts.”
Verda added that Tony Frank is “totally my hero” and an “inspiration for all freshmen” for breaking curfew, in addition to being the only human to have direct contact with Gossip Squirrel.
According to all the jealous squirrels, Frank bonded with Gossip Squirrel after he fell from his favorite tree while sleeping. Rumor has it that Gossip Squirrel will occasionally whisper about the on-goings of campus to the CSU president.
“Maybe Gossip Squirrel and Tony Frank formed a temporary allegiance,” said Krista Clayton, an avoiding adult responsibilities major. “I’ve definitely noticed that a few buildings and parking lots have gone missing around campus. I hope the Health Center will provide counseling for students who are particularly distraught by the lack of parking.”
Recently, it was announced that Frank’s strange behavior will be the subject of a new reality show on E!. It is rumored the show will follow Frank around while recording student’s reactions to his antics in the style of mockumentary classic, “The Office.”
Update: After this article’s online release, Tony Frank declared that all shall call him “The Wizard” and that those who mock him will be sentenced to live in individual cardboard boxes outside the Clark building. This initiative does not exclude faculty and journalists.
Collegian A&E Writer Anna Groeling wishes you a happy April Fool’s Day. In the real world, she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @agroeling.