Like, I am so tired.
Really, really tired, you all.
No one should ever be this tired, but I think everyone is this tired. Do you know how many times I’ve almost hit another car this week? Bunches. That’s how many. I can’t give you an exact number, because I am too tired, and quite frankly, I don’t really care. Sorry ‘bout it, peasants.
I have the nightly news on right now, which is the worst. “Let me tell you everything that went wrong, or is weird or should make you scared to leave your house.”
I do not like being scared when it is this late at night. Like, I am really tired and not totally with it. So tell me a scary story, and I’ll probably stay awake making sure no one sneaks into my house, hides in my closet and waits until I fall asleep to stab me.
I just checked my closet. Coast is clear.
I also just checked to see if the door was locked. Also clear.
Maybe if we had a dog instead of a cat. My dog, although a foot tall, would protect me. My roommate’s cat, on the other hand, threw up three times because she was throwing a tantrum.
I fed her. She meowed the ugliest of all meows, and I ignored it. She threw up a waterfall of the new baby food that she is fed, and I did not hear it. So, she came into my room and threw up on my carpet. I yelled at her, and chased her into the kitchen where she forced the rest of her tantrum onto the kitchen floor. If you still think that’s OK, imagine having a friend who got mad at you and started throwing up in protest.
Think that’s not the same? Well, you’re right. A human angrily throwing up is a thing out of “The Exorcist.” They would grin at me after they threw up.
I can guarantee I would be chasing that person nowhere.
Now I am picturing the gray-faced, exorcist-type glaring at me from the corner of my room and spinning her head wildly in circles while giggling.
Either I’m not going to fall asleep, or I’m going to have nightmares.
I’ve been having stress nightmares frequently.
I dreamt I was writing a story on a children’s dance class. While gathering interviews, I noticed that the obese, lady dance teacher gassed the students she found intolerable. She sent them to a back room and their jump ropes gassed them.
My recurring dreams result in the most stress. Someone I love dies, and I spend the rest of the dream mourning. I always wake up crying. I had not had one for a year until a couple of weeks ago.
Golly, that column went from ‘LOL’ to legitimate concern real quick.
I also do not think I solved the whole being tired problem. My hope for everyone during these final weeks is that you all have the peaceful sleep you need. You all deserve a night free from the scary nightly news, vomiting cats and traumatic nightmares.
God bless and good night.
Collegian A&E Columnist Cassie Maack can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @maackcl.