Note: This article is satirical.
The Board of Governors voted Thursday to approve a plan that will create a 20,000 square foot facility dedicated to educating squirrels at Colorado State University. The decision was passed unanimously by a vote of 8 – 0.
Committee Chair Antonia Franken said the facility will be funded solely through the sale of stockpiled nuts that were found near the Oval in early February. The facility will be attached to the new stadium, which is set to break ground this summer on the corner of West Lake Street and Meridian Avenue.
“The amount of nuts we discovered has exceeded our highest expectations,” Franken said. “We are planning on using those nuts to provide our beloved squirrels with a learning facility that they can call their own.”
Franken said the nuts are worth more than $1.3 million.
Ashley DiLorenzo, a senior environmental studies and conservation biology major, said she does not support efforts by the Board to accommodate the squirrel population.
“I love seeing the squirrels on the Oval,” DiLorenzo said. “I think we should use the money to put solar panels and water bottle refill stations at the new stadium instead. The squirrels have not done anything to earn a facility like this.”
The proposed squirrel facility would provide three state-of-the-art classrooms with interactive technology, a fully-furnished squirrel lounge and a customized food court with gourmet meals. There will not be cages at the facility. Instead, the squirrels will have the privilege of roaming free within the premises.
Sustainability Coordinator for the United Squirrels of Colorado State University David Delaney said he supports equal learning opportunities for squirrels.
“Here at CSU, the squirrels are considered family,” Delaney said in a press release. “They are just as integrated into this community as the students. We want to fight for equal rights, especially with a project of this magnitude. Squirrels deserve the same learning opportunities as everyone else at this school.”
Although the facility will comply with sustainable LEED building standards, Blair Henrington, a junior rodent studies major, said she would like to see the squirrels left alone.
“It would be doing the squirrels a disservice to relocate them,” Henrington said. “Rather than selling the nuts, they should be used in a way that can benefit the entire CSU squirrel community.”
Henrington said it would be beneficial to establish a community fund for those who are in need of nuts. When asked about establishing a nut fund, Franken said the resource already exists.
“Currently, the Red Squirrel Cross club sets up a booth every Wednesday behind the administration building,” Franken said. “They have received a quarter of the nuts from the stockpile, and they plan to redistribute those as needed. For now, we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we did not sell the remainder of the nuts.”
The facility will be completed by fall of 2017, according to Franken.
“Equal learning opportunities for every soul on this campus is what we will provide. All of this construction will not fail to meet our expectations,” Franken said.
Collegian Assistant News Editor Christina Vessa wishes you a happy April Fools’ Day. In the real world, she can be reached at email@example.com or on Twitter at @chrissyvessa.