Note: This article is satire.
Last week, ASCSU held debates for their presidential and vice presidential nominees. It’s great our school has a forum not only for student representation, but also for them to freely express their views in a competitive, democratic and friendly environment. However, I find this all a little boring.
The debate consisted simply of the candidates sitting at tables responding to questions. There wasn’t even any intense fighting. They were all wearing highly professional suits.
We are college students. Classic movies and TV shows depict us participating in wild activities, having the time of our lives and celebrating our youth. How do we celebrate our time to be young and dumb? With debates over zoning laws and a student voice in government.
Sure, we have fun in other ways, but why not maximize our potential? Instead of the polite and courteous debates we have today, why not make it a little more aggressive? And, while we’re at it, a little more fun?
The answer? A food fight debate is the perfect medium for a university’s student government. Not only does it keep the spirit of student government alive, but also serves as a way to get students excited and involved. Who would miss a real life food fight in the middle of the Plaza?
There could be a number of variations of this, such as students throwing food at the candidates, or candidates throwing food when they disagree with another candidate’s position on an issue, among others. I think the best way to go about a food fight debate, however, would be an all-out brawl between the candidates. This variation could completely remove issues and politics from the debate, leaving only the important stuff, like who can throw a cupcake with the most precision, and the funniest frosting damage on a face.
This could even serve as a source of revenue. Local businesses could choose to advertise their food products in this food fight, where the product would get community-wide attention. Who doesn’t want to watch a Silver Grill breakfast burrito fly through the sky with a satisfying smack on the back of another candidate?
Some might be quick to argue that a well-rounded food fight athlete might not prove to be the best policy maker, representation of the student voice or means of communication between administration and students, but they would be wrong. People who can hold their own in a food fight shows they are intelligent enough to calculate the trajectory of mashed potatoes, have the leadership skills to guide their team to the win and determination to get things done.
Most importantly, this is a bonding experience for the CSU student body. While most elections are about partisanship, mudslinging and overall negativity, CSU’s student government elections can be about looking beyond political differences and just having a good time. There’s no need to be so serious, when you can sling mud pies instead.
Collegian Columnist Alexandra Stettner would like to wish you a happy April Fools, and she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @alexstetts.