After months of attempting to get back into the journaling business, we here at The Hall Monitor-Herald are pleased to announce our triumphant return to hard-hitting news.
We spent three months in exile, toiling day after day in a run-down, yeast-infected lemonade stand, pouring our blood, sweat and tears into both our newsletter and our lemonade. What we did not realize was that the Collegian had been running our newsletter every Friday. Apparently, we’d accidentally been emailing our articles to firstname.lastname@example.org instead of email@example.com, as was our intent. Dad, if you’re out there, are you proud of us yet? How did you get that email address? Were you one of the first people on Yahoo?
Now that we’re back rolling in the sweet, sweet river of money that of course flows to anyone involved in print media, we may finally put an end to this whole lemonade stand debacle once and for all. This timed out pretty well, seeing as how the health inspector had just shut us down, for reasons both obvious and surprising. We knew about the rats, but be damned if all those flesh-eating parasites weren’t a surprise. Our thoughts and prayers to everyone who purchased a cup of lemonade between Jan. 10 and Feb. 28. Although to be fair, Consumer Reports warned you and you chose not to listen.
Next week we’ll be returning to reporting on the hard-hitting news of CSU, Fort Collins and our love lives, but for now, in the remaining space we have for this article, we’d like to give you all a briefing on the news stories we have missed over the past two months.
- CSU philosophy professor introduces first day of class by asking, “If Freshman Petey Henderson attends first philosophy class, has existential crisis, smokes weed, writes postmodern masterpiece about his nervous, internal breakdown and then dies tragically in longboarding crash before anyone can see it, was the masterpiece still written?”
- “Whoa,” says freshman Petey Henderson, sitting in the third row.
- “That was almost a ‘127 Hours’ situation,” says Tony Frank, gnawing on his pinky finger, shortly after emerging from a collapsed, man-made igloo on the Oval.
- “I nearly forgot about it, but I really think I salvaged this anniversary dinner,” says CSU sophomore Ryan Nichols, shortly after leaving Corbett Dining Hall — alone.
- Local billionaire, lovable munchkin Old Man Potter dies, leaving his entire fortune to The Hall Monitor-Herald, in what has been called an “egregious” act of will forgery.
- Flesh-eating parasite reign of terror finally put to an end by parasite-eating flesh beast.
We cannot wait to begin bringing you the news every week again, just like we used to. Keep it classy. Stay warm out there. Don’t stop believing. All hail Parasite-Eating flesh beast.
The Hall-Monitor Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like The Hall Monitor-Herald on Facebook, love it on MySpace and cherish it forever in your hearts.