Welcome to the first edition of How ‘Bout Them Lemons’ weekly newsletter!
We were lost and directionless after The Hall Monitor-Herald shut down, but now we’re back on our feet with a spiffy, dilapidated lemonade stand on the corner of Laurel and Howes and our very own newsletter.
In the five weeks since The Hall Monitor-Herald was shut down, we here at How ‘Bout Them Lemons, have seen our fair share of despair, poverty and dissatisfied patrons. The response to our comment card—which reads, “Do you like these lemons?”—has been an almost universal cry of, “We do not like those lemons.”
When pressed for more constructive criticism, our patrons attributed their disenchantment to our company’s inability to afford real lemons.
“Stop using expired peach lozenges to flavor your drinks,” read one particularly articulate comment card. “I am prepared to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.”
But threats do not scare us.
First off, we’ve gotten to know the kind folks at the BBB quite well over the years, and second off, making lemonade out of expired throat lozenges is in our company’s blood. As our mother always told us, “When life gives you expired lozenges, put them in water and try to sell them to rubes.”
Mom, wherever you are, we hope you’re proud of us. We’re so sorry we got distracted and never finished that game of hide-and-go-seek. Please come out, come out, wherever you are.
This is our third attempt to make a stand, our first being a misguided fiscal movement in support of the one percent, and our second being the widely despised Llamanade stand, Como Se Llama, which sold a dietary cleanse of purifying animal urine. Even our most repulsed critics had to admit it was the best damn animal urine they’d ever tasted, which was especially kind coming from Leptospirosis-Larry.
Despite all our success, we must admit, dear passersby-we-blackmailed-into-signing-our-email-list, there is a hole inside our heart. While the mighty pen was once our greatest asset, the only writing we’ve done since being stripped of our beloved column has been composing angry, profanity-laden letters to the largely deceased 1993 editorial staff of TV Guide, demanding that they bring back the cult classic TV show, Twin Peaks, and The Hall Monitor-Herald.
Once half-succeeding (you’re welcome, Peaks-Freaks) we here at How ‘Bout Them Lemons realized that the only way to be happy again was to resume publishing. This newsletter will have to do for now, but rest assured, dear victims of blackmail, we will write hard-hitting news once again.
But first, we should probably investigate this ransom note shoved under our lemonade stand earlier this morning.
Ya’ll been juiced.
The How ‘Bout Them Lemons newsletter is run by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Please direct your sour lemons to firstname.lastname@example.org.