Would you hate your ex-girlfriend as much as you do if she slapped a fat stack of money down on the table on her way out the door?
The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” mantra behind most breakups doesn’t really apply to this one.
It is you, CSU. And it is former head football coach Jim McElwain, who’s leaving you for the hotter, richer version of you, too. He just sees things in the University of Florida that he doesn’t see in you.
For the most part, that thing is money — the disgusting stuff that makes the world go ‘round.
Quentin Sickafoose, circa 2012 (I’ve happily settled down these days), would have slapped Mac a high five for getting what he wanted and skipping town.
You’ve just grown apart recently, and the temptation of other possibilities got the best of McElwain just like we’ve all been guilty of at one point in our lives. But don’t act like you’re waking up tomorrow morning without a phone number to call back.
Sure, there won’t be any “well I still want us to be friends” down the road.
But being on the receiving end of the largest buyout in college football history, you can go purchase some new friends. And probably a new head coach to take your mind off the old one who left you high and dry right before a bowl game.
$7 million is one hell of some cab fare to leave on the nightstand as you creep out with hopes that the other party won’t wake up before you’re gone.
That’s crazy loot. I was a huge fan of McElwain also, but if someone is flaunting that much money in my face, I’d pack up my own girlfriend and ship her to Florida with a priority sticker on top like CSU President Tony Frank did Thursday.
Frank would have been the naive one in the relationship not to. Let’s all just be glad that he manned up and didn’t cut McElwain loose for any less despite having the power to negotiate the buyout ever since the new contract was inked back in June.
And, hey, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea, right?
At least that’s the way interim athletic director John Morris made it seem in a press conference Thursday. He said there’s more than 40 candidates currently under consideration for the “dream job” (I guess mediocre dreams technically still count as dreams) as CSU’s new head coach.
The money generated from the McElwain transaction will help lure someone in.
Don’t bother trying to throw away every picture and memory you have of McElwain, either. Someday we’ll watch that guy coach in the SEC Championship game and remember the good times we had together.
As hard as it may be to accept, this breakup was best for both McElwain and the CSU football program.
While the relationship hangover lingers, cash that fat paycheck Florida signed over and buy some comfort food to bury yourself in. Like Dr. Seuss once said, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Take care of yourself, and thanks for the money, Jim McElwain. See you around.
Collegian Sports Columnist Quentin Sickafoose can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter @QSickafoose.