Note: This article is both satirical and sponsored by Old Man Potter.
1. He funds “The Hall Monitor-Herald.”
Whereas most industrialists are content to knock the soup out of our hands when we ask for money, Fort Collins’ foremost housing tycoon and four-time Scowling Contest-winner, Old Man Potter, has been funding “The Hall Monitor-Herald” since our humble beginning.
From the moment he found us huddled in a cave, weeping and making desperate attempts at the English language, Old Man Potter has fully supported our budding career in journalism by providing the funding, resources and information necessary to run a successful news enterprise.
2. He has a brave soul.
Having covered the Braiden cock fighting ring, the human burgers at Corbett Dining Hall and the questionable authenticity of Tony Frank’s beard, we are no strangers to controversy.
Old Man Potter has stood by us through all of this, even when all others have accused us of libel.
3. He is kind. He is smart. He is important.
He extolls all of these virtues and many others also.
4. He is a warped, frustrated old man.
While many of his fellow octogenarians have become soft in their old age, Old Man Potter has done no such thing. The older he has gotten, the more warped, angry, frustrated and greedy he has become.
5. He stands in opposition to native advertising.
Old Man Potter stands up for journalistic integrity, which is why he is repulsed by the recent trend in which major corporations sponsor articles written by Buzzfeed, Huffington Post and other news outlets for no other reason than to subtly promote their products.
6. His recently announced “Old Man Potter University” is great and everyone should drop out of crusty, old CSU to attend it.
For too long, CSU has been the only university in Fort Collins.
Thankfully, Old Man Potter has recently announced the opening of “Old Man Potter University.” Everyone should drop out of lame old CSU and fork their hard-earned tuition dollars over to this very new and very sexy university.
7. He will never die.
Ever since he found us deprived of knowledge in that cave, Old Man Potter has been very forthcoming about his immortality. He doesn’t even need to drink Howler Monkey urine to be immortal like we do.
In fact, Old Man Potter has assured us also that he is the most powerful being in the universe. Everything we know is due only to his benevolence.
8. He is humble about his immortality.
In this manner, he does not flaunt.
9. He created the sun. The sun created life.
As the old texts state, Old Man Potter is responsible for the creation of the sun. The sun in turn created life. Life created all of us. We all owe this to Old Man Potter.
10. The vast expanse of human knowledge emanates from his every pore.
People are always asking us about what makes us such a quality news organization, with questions like, “Where do you get this information?” “Who is your source?” and “Really, what makes you believe any of this is true?”
The answer to all of these questions is Old Man Potter. Every word we print has been stated, cited and confirmed by this wonderful old man. He has assured us that our many articles criticizing CSU have nothing to do with his recent venture to create a rival school that will, “crush those lily-toed fools at CSU once and for all.”
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Follow us on Twitter @MonitorHerald.