Note: This article is satirical.
This last week, the Seal Cub Clubbing Club, a club dedicated to finding dance venues for seal cubs to go clubbing, sealed the deal on a seal cub clubbing club. The new seal cub club is set to be the local hub for seal cubs looking to hit up clubs.
Bub Golding, the president of the Seal Cub Clubbing Club dubbed the club, “The Seal Cub Clubbing Pub” late last week. To celebrate the new club, Bub ordered subs for grub but later died in the tub.
“Ah, there’s the rub,” said new Seal Cub Clubbing Club president, Ceal Zubner. “Bub was a schlub, who did not know how to tub.”
The Seal Cub Clubbing Pub requires a ticket stub from each schlub who wants to get some grub and chug some glug and club, club, club! The club glub is slub shug brug shrug will open later this month, under hub zub nub lub ghsbwub flubz, lots of hugs from yug blug the big bug who ate a slug with a nub hutz. CLUB PUB CLUB CUB SHLUB CLUB BUG CUB CLUB.
We here at The Hall Monitor-Herald like to hold ourselves to a higher standard of journalism than the above article would seem to imply. We offer our most sincere apologies, not only to our loyal fanbase but also to Bub Golding, Ceal Zubner and everyone over at the Seal Cub Clubbing Club for our unprofessional handling of this article. After the Seal Cub Clubbing Club approached us about writing an article for them, we set out to give them an article up to our usual standards. Unfortunately, we ran out of time to edit and were forced to publish what you see now before you so as to make our deadline.
As a collective, we here at The Hall Monitor-Herald have never admitted this to anyone, but it is with great shame with which we announce that we have Doctor Seuss disorder. For those of you unfamiliar, it is the compulsive need to talk, write, and think in a cloying, never-ending rhyme scheme. This affliction has ruined many romantic and interpersonal relationships, gotten us kicked out of the Speech and Debate team and lost us that gig at The New Yorker.
It is only due to the generous support of Old Man Potter and The Rocky Mountain Collegian that we are granted the time, positive reinforcement and literally dozens of unpaid tutors to edit every article we publish. We would like to apologize to them as well. We really dropped the ball this week.
This week we think our un-edited article was pretty weak and hope we don’t take too much heat, but we plan to beat this freak affliction. Many weak-willed writers might lack the might to fight this plight, but we might just have the light to fight the right plight and fly our white kite and smite the loose caboose truce we have with Dr. Seuss, who juiced our moose that we named Bruce.
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook and find us online at thehallmonitorhearald.com. The Hall Monitor-Herald does not condone seal clubbing.