This fictional column is based on the RamTalk: “I do my best work when I am drunk” – Originally in 11/14/2014 Collegian.
Researchers here at Colorado State University have recently made a groundbreaking discovery. Working for tireless months, these fine men and women have finally developed a serum that has incredible effects on the human body. When ingested orally, the serum makes the subject more productive, more interesting, more attractive and much stronger than they usually are. Students everywhere have taken notice.
The compound, which is composed of Bacardi, Olympia beer, Old Grand Dad whiskey, Zinfandel and Everclear, has been nicknamed BOOZE by the scientific community. The researchers discovered that after about four 1.5-ounce servings of the BOOZE, subjects began showing signs of increased productivity and strength. At six servings, they became much more attractive and at nine, they tended to either soil themselves or projectile vomit over the Bunsen burner.
Graduate student and Swiffer enthusiast, Justinn Ball, was one of the test subjects for the BOOZE trials last night.
“Oh man my head is pounding,” Ball said. “Can you turn down that light? Also, I might need to spew here soon, so if you have a trashcan that would be great. I’m never drinking BOOZE again until tonight.”
Senior twerkology major, Nidra Hawk, administered some of the tests and watched on as the effects seemed to grow.
“When given a small sample of BOOZE, test subjects responded quite positively,” Hawk said. “It was at around eight or nine servings of the serum that test subjects began urinating in beakers and chanting the lyrics to ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’”
As students clamor to get their hands on the BOOZE serum for studying and regaling with cohorts, researchers urge them to use it in moderation. In other words, don’t BOOZE to the point where you end up peeing on your laundry.
Have a good fall break, y’all.
Collegian RamTalk Columnist Davis English can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.