This fictional column is based on the RamTalk: Why do people (mainly freshmen, srry) feel the need to pack up with like 10 mins left of class when there’s still a discussion going hashtag I’m going to freak out & kill them. – Originally in 10/3/2014 Collegian.
Congress has recently passed a piece of legislation that will inevitably change our lives as students. People are calling the statute “a deliberate attack on our rights,” “against the Constitution” and “something I haven’t read.” More radical than the Magna Carta and more important than Disney on Ice, I’m sure that we will all be affected deeply by the new law.
The terms of the statute are very clear and straightforward: A person must not, under any circumstances, pack up their backpack, fanny pack, snack pack or purse before the prescribed duration of their class has elapsed. In other words, thou shalt not pack up early. Students are protesting the law by putting their belongings in their packs with 15 — sometimes 20 — minutes left in class. Many have received the stink eye from their professor and even more have been forcefully arrested for their violent early pack ups.
Senior velvet studies major, Halley McKormic, was physically detained when she decided to pack up her belongings with 10 minutes left in class.
“I was just putting my crayons and celery sticks in my fanny pack,” McKormic said. “Next thing I know, I was being handcuffed and escorted to the county jail. All I was doing was exercising my right to peacefully pack up, but I guess the feds are gonna take that away from us, too. Typical.”
Sara Karlsen, a local Bowflex collector, joined the police force just so she could help enforce the new law.
“Man I hate ‘em,” Karlsen spat. “You know, the early packers. The premature pack ups just drive me crazy. I have to do my part to get these scumbags out of the classroom and behind bars, where they belong.”
Since the law came into effect last week, there have been over 3,000 arrests made on the CSU campus alone. Remember, if you’re packing up early, cops will find you and you will be pulled over. Quit packing up early people, and respect thy professor.
Collegian Ram Talk Columnist Davis English can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.