Note: This column is satirical.
After remembering that he had a short story due for a creative writing class the following morning, junior Will Lyman spent a furious 12 hours writing at the Alleycat, only to realize the that his manuscript, “Space Fights,” was a direct rip-off of a famous George Lucas film.
“Uh oh,” Lyman was quoted as saying, shortly after regaining consciousness in the corner booth, face covered in cinnamon roll and several pages of “Doomstar” concept art sprawled in front of him.
To Lyman’s horror, the manuscript included dozens of references to “Lightswords,” “the Century Eagle” and a “Harrison Ford-type.”
Lyman rolled up the scroll his story was written out on, packed his typewriter into a suitcase and recycled all seven empty cans of various energy drinks after the barista requested that he stop throwing them out the window, as he had been attempting.
Lyman arrived to class 20 minutes late, sweating profusely and nervously wiping cinnamon roll off his face. After finally getting the scroll up on the overhead projector, he waited patiently for the class to finish reading, crossing his fingers that they would not notice he had ripped off one of the most beloved films of the 20th century.
To his surprise, the professor was quite fond of it, despite finding it to be an obvious ripoff of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
“Obviously the ‘Century Eagle’ is a reimagining of the Harrison Ford-type’s horse,” said Lyman’s professor, J.C. Ferris. “’Lightswords’ are a thinly veiled allusion to the fact that he is afraid of snakes sending him to the light of heaven, and it is called ‘Space Fights’ because he spends the story fighting in the physical plane of existence we refer to colloquially as ‘space.’”
“That said, this story is a solid B,” Ferris added. “The tone is appropriately somber.”
Inspired by his great success, Lyman returned to the Alleycat, purchased more energy drinks and and set about writing “Puberty-Ridden Turtle Team,” “Peace and War” and “The Water Closet Weekly.”
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. The Hall Monitor-Herald can be found online at thehallmonitorherald.com as well as by the old quarry, which is where it goes to think and throw rocks.