Note: This article is satirical.
Dearest readers, we here at The Hall Monitor-Herald like to hold our cards close to chest, but there are two things that we never want to keep a secret: the key to immortality — which we hold in our possession — and our writing process. Today, we’d like to give a behind the scenes look at The Hall Monitor-Herald, and, if there’s time, maybe a word or two about how to use Howler Monkey urine to extend your lifespan indefinitely.
A typical day at The Hall Monitor-Herald begins with our staff arriving promptly at our office — the burned wreckage of the Old Horsetooth Lighthouse — at 3:30 a.m. Once we have crossed the moat of fired employees dressed in alligator costumes, all 27 of our ever-rotating staff drink the required eight gallons of Howler Monkey urine before clocking in. We demand our staff to be healthy, fit and willing to live forever.
The staff then piles into the three by three elevator, which is operated by a shirtless man in a luchador mask who refers to himself only as “Jeremy.”
“It’s weird,” said Staffer #274. “He just kind of showed up one day and started working the elevator. All he asks is that he pays us in bananas.”
Once everyone claws their way out of the elevator, they kiss the portrait of our wealthy benefactor, Old Man Potter, and set about the thankless, noble task of reporting the day’s news. We only have one typewriter, which near as we can tell, has been out of ink for some time now.
“The hardest thing about this job is that it comes home with you,” said staffer #274, who lives in the Old Horsetooth Lighthouse. As staffer #274 left the interview with himself, he slipped on a banana peel and fell down all 407 steps of the spiral staircase.
“That’s the fifth banana-related death this week,” said Staffer #162, while mopping up the mess. “Something’s aloof, and it’s up to me to investigate. But first, someone put 274 in a gator costume and toss him in the moat.”
Staffer #162 quickly went to work gathering as many suspects, evidence and plantains as he could to solve the case.
Once the evidence had been properly burned and the plantains properly eaten, Staffer #162 led his suspects beat reporter Dakota James, lighthouse resident Summers Cooper and elevator operator Jeremy into his office.
The interrogations of the suspects lasted days, but Staffer #162 finally closed in on the culprit largely due to the thankless work of his magnifying glass. Just as he was able to reveal the killer’s identity, a New Belgium freighter crashed through the lighthouse, the captain unable to see where he was sailing since the only lighthouse in town was currently in the midst of a murder mystery.
After the debris were cleared and Staffer #162 was thrown into the moat, the entire The Hall Monitor-Herald staff began to party with the ship’s crew, opening up brand new bottles of New Belgium Sat Tire.
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hohne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @monitorherald. If you would like to write for us, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.