The fictional column is based on the RamTalk – “If Chipotle delivered, pizza would be extinct.” – Originally in the Collegian on 9/12/14.
The carefree days of pizza have come to an end. That’s right, pizza parties will now just be parties, Pizza Huts have simply become Huts and you can forget about “pizzazz” because it’s just “zz” now.
There will be no more sausage or ‘roni pizzas. No more delightful grease on your slice that your weird cousin always dabbed off with a napkin.
Pizza, my friends, has gone extinct.
Much like the dinosaurs, there is much speculation as to how the Great Pizza Extinction of 2014 came about. Some say that it’s due to a Wisconsin cheese shortage, while others point to Chipotle’s new delivery service as the culprit.
Whatever the case may be, our doughy brethren have vanished without warning. Pizza joints all across town are turning into nightclubs, water parks, golf courses and ATMs. Pizza is a thing of the past.
Former pizza shop lurker and fedora enthusiast, Logjam Rut, believes that the Great Pizza Extinction of 2014 will go down in history as the greatest mass extinction of all time.
“I mean there’s the Cretaceous extinction,” Rut said. “But it’s so easy to find and identify dinosaurs. In 10 years, when pizza-tologists discover the remains of a Deep Dish Pepperoni DiGorno, they’ll never be sure whether or not it was delivery.”
Senior Mastodon major, Mikel Davison, is not at all surprised that the pizza has gone extinct.
“First, the pizza was domesticated on the Tibetan Plateau in the early 1600s,” Davison said. “From there, it became a more tame and docile creature. However, Neil DeGrasse Tyson theorized that there would be two more extinctions in the near future and it’s only fitting that the abused pizza was one of them. I believe Sketchers will be next.”
Although pizzcientists are uncertain what caused the Great Pizza Extinction of 2014, it is clear that pizza enthusiasts everywhere are mourning and yearning for another bite of a greasy pizza pie. Memorials have been set up all across the country for Red Baron, Totinos, Little Caesar and the late Dominos.
As our mouths continue to not have pizza in them, we must tell ourselves that it’s okay, we’ll get through it and that we can always get a taco or something.
Collegian Ram Talk Columnist and former pizza enthusiast Davis English can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.