Note: This column is satirical.
Following a month of neglect, mockery and abuse at the hand of his residents, Allison Hall inhabitant Brendan Busby threw an apology-themed party for his hall. Eyewitnesses described the event as “a misguided attempt to make us apologize,” “kind of a bummer” and “my first college party.”
Busby’s residents have reportedly treated him with nothing but resentment ever since Ram Welcome Week, during which they felt he failed to properly welcome them with an appropriate amount of pomp and circumstance.
Hall indiscretions include setting off fireworks in Busby’s dorm room, unleashing a chameleon “somewhere in the building” and leaving him to die in the Summit Sinkhole.
Having run out of options, Busby resolved to settle the conflict by passive-aggressively throwing a party, just like his mother taught him. And so, inspired by the “Infidelity Confession Party” of ‘94, Busby set about work on his Apology Party.
After purchasing a dozen copies of the board game Sorry, taping several posters of Chris Brown to the walls and queueing up a nonstop loop of the OneRepublic song, “Apologize,” Busby waited patiently for his residents to show up. The residents finally arrived an hour late, having just gotten back from a Hall Dinner that Busby was not invited to.
Sources claim that the party got off to a slow start, with Busby spending at least a half hour pointedly clearing his throat and loudly reading obituaries from a several month old newspaper. “Boy,” Busby reportedly told his residents after reading a particularly depressing obituary. “I sure am sorry to hear about poor old Montana Jones.”
Finally, after Busby lost his 12th consecutive game of Sorry and cried a little, the true meaning of the apology party began to sink in for the attendees and they began calling their mothers, fathers, friends, ex-girlfriends, current lovers, fifth grade teachers and beloved bus drivers to apologize for every single thing they had ever done wrong.
“We didn’t want to end up sad and lonely like our RA, so we called literally every person who matters to us,” said one resident, Cory Barkston, shortly after getting off the phone with an Alley Cat barista to apologize for not tipping enough. “Yup, literally every person who matters.”
Realizing that his residents would never apologize to him, Busby set off for his nightly routine of sadly gazing through his keyhole, hoping someone would walk by. As he exited the Apology Party, he bumped shoulders with resident Chad Paddington, who mumbled, “Sorry, bro,” in a manner that many would deem sarcastic.
Overwhelmed with an excitement that he had never felt before at having finally been apologized to, Busby went off to plan next week’s Friendship Party. Sources speculate that no one will attend.
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Find us online at thehallmonitorherald.com, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @monitorherald.