Note: This is a satirical article.
Now that the Lory Student Center food court has been renovated and reopened, students are gearing up to revisit their favorite lunch spots. Very quickly in the semester, the regular customers of each restaurant seem to take on some distinct characteristics.
Spoons frequenters are the epitome of Fort Collins. They are health conscious and only eat organic food. They have probably even tried to go gluten-free, even though they do not have a gluten intolerance. They spend their weekends either camping, rock climbing or at the farmer’s market. They ride a fixed-gear bicycle to campus and are constantly striving to reduce their carbon footprint.
Taco Bell/Carl’s Jr./Panda Express
The people who eat at Taco Bell, Carl’s Jr. or Panda Express every day are often slackers. They act on impulse and live in the moment. They start Friday a day early and sleep in during early classes after spending a late night at the Aggie. These people are constantly asking classmates what today’s homework was. You can find these people spending all their free time playing the newest video game. If you look at their Facebook page, you will probably find a lot of selfies.
The Fort Collins brewery population is constantly growing, and the Ram Skellar regulars are going to open the next up-and-coming brewery. These people are all-American and never miss a football game. They spend their free time playing frisbee golf at barbecues. A good portion of Ram Skellar regulars are fraternity and sorority members. Ram Skellar guys always have five o’clock shadow or a beard. They like to spend their free time lifting weights at the gym. The perfect birthday gift for a Ram Skellar frequenter is a craft beer making kit.
That’s a Wrap/Subway/Bagel Place
Those who go to That’s a Wrap, Subway or the Bagel Place are average and forgettable. These people are often undeclared or maybe trying their hand at business. Some might join multiple clubs on campus in order to ease the college transition. You can find these people participating in dorm floor team-building activities. They also organize movie nights with their roommates, watched on a tiny computer screen. You can spot them in a crowd wearing their Colorado State University t-shirts with lanyards hanging out of their jean pockets.
The people who bring brown bag lunches are literally granola crunchers. Brown bag lunches usually consist of apple slices, veggies and hummus and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. These are disciplined over-achievers. They take 18 credit hour semesters and probably also major in two subjects. They spend breaks in between classes getting ahead in homework. When midterms and finals roll around, they organize study groups and bring color-coded notecards. When they are not knee-deep in a textbook, they are blowing off steam by jogging. Honestly, it is questionable if they sleep at all.
Sweet Temptations/Morgan’s Grind
The people who make meals out of coffee fall into two categories: multitaskers and procrastinators. The procrastinators do not start homework until 10 p.m. and stay up all night writing a 15 page essay that was assigned weeks ago. The procrastinators typically spend their weekends binge-watching their favorite television shows on Netflix. The multitaskers have two jobs to pay for school, which leaves little time for sleep. The multitaskers never have a chance to let loose and hang out with friends, so they are rarely seen outside of the classroom and workplace.
Gifs courtesy of giphy.com.
Collegian Interactive News Team member Katie Schmidt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @KatieDSchmidt.