Note: This column is satirical
The Colorado State University community was shocked this week after freshman Cole Oppenheim discovered that Corbett Dining Hall’s famous “Human Burger”™ is composed entirely of people.
“I’ve been eating Human Burgers nonstop since Freshman Orientation and I knew there was something familiar about the taste,” said Oppenheim, on his 14th consecutive day without fruit or vegetables.
“I just thought it was raccoon. But then I realized — Braiden has raccoon burgers — so Human Burgers had to be people.”
Oppenheim then took a bite out of a Human Burger and added, “Yup, definitely people.”
Shortly after the discovery, Oppenheim began shouting, “Human burgers are people!” in a reference which neither he nor anyone else understood.
Soon after concluding a press conference about all the barking noises that had been coming from the hush puppies at Durrell, CSU President Tony Frank addressed mounting concern over the Human Burgers.
“Yes, it’s true — Human Burgers are made out of people,” said Frank, who had forgotten to wear pants that day. “But then, so is this University. So is this town. And so is that guy.” Frank then pointed at a guy standing towards the front of the audience. “His name is Jerry. Wave to them, Jerry. Wave to the nice people.”
The CSU public relations team immediately set about rebranding the Human Burger with a new name so as to downplay any associations with cannibalism.
“Obviously somebody made a joke about ‘Rammabalism’ within the first five minutes,” said Will Douglas, head of the PR team. “But again — that’s an image we’re trying to steer clear from. So the individual was promptly fired. And eaten.”
“We’re not very good at naming things,” Douglas continued. “For instance, we only called it a ‘Human Burger’ in the first place because it was meant to be enjoyed by humans.”
After hours of exhaustive brainstorming and market research, the PR team finally settled on the name, “Jerry Burger.” As one PR representative put it: “Have you ever met a Jerry you didn’t like?”
And all the nice people ate Jerry Burgers.
The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. The Hall Monitor-Herald has been slowly cultivating a web presence. They can be found online at thehallmonitorherald.com and also on Friendster.