Note: This column is satirical.
We’re too young to have lived through it, but we all remember learning about the space race. This was a time in history when Russia and the United States were literally racing each other to be the first to put a man in space and on the moon. Other than all of the political implications, this time in history showed that when man sets his sights on something, he will reach it.
Putting a man on the moon was a very exciting time in human history. It was just as exciting as the Wright brothers’ first flight or connecting the continental railroad. What continues to make it exciting is knowing that it’s not the finish line – putting a man on the moon wasn’t the final goal. Humans continue to chase goals and dreams that were once thought unattainable, and even other species are beginning to join in the fun of advancement.
Although it would certainly make more sense to ‘chase’ after ending world hunger, poverty, or some other disastrous worldly problem, the human race has decided to chase after something else. A comet.
That’s right, the same human ingenuity that put a plane in the air and a man on the moon is now focusing its attention toward chasing a comet through space. After a 10-year chase across billions of miles of space, the Rosetta spacecraft is finally homing in on its target: a speeding comet.
“Once it reaches the comet, it will be a miraculous day in human history,” said Johnny Cosmos, the Director of Flight Operations for the Comet Chaser mission. “We aren’t sure what will happen when it does reach the comet. We never really programmed the spaceship to think that far ahead, but we do think that whatever happens, the comet will be friendly and willing to accept democracy.”
In what has proven to be a universal example of the coyote chasing the roadrunner, the Rosetta spacecraft will arrive at its location in only a few days, and we’ll wait and see what happens next.
While we humans reenact the classic coyote and roadrunner chase on a grander scale, the coyote feels as though it’s been left out of the equation.
“We used to be famous for one thing and one thing only – chasing roadrunners,” read a statement from the coyote population. “Now that humans have taken that from us with their new Rosetta spacecraft, we have no choice but to chase the humans.”
The warning from the coyotes came just in time. Several reports of coyotes chasing humans down streets and through deserts have been noted.
“I looked outside and there were, like, seven or eight of them running around like horses,” said Nick Mendoza, a man from California who was nearly eaten to death. “They looked at me and I saw one of them mouth the words ‘kill that roadrunner’. Not only could they speak English but for some reason they thought I was a roadrunner and wanted to eat me!”
Scientists have chalked this one up to the need for life to advance forward and chase goals. One scientist even went as far as saying that coyotes should be allowed to do whatever they want.
“If we can chase comets, then they can chase us,” said the outspoken scientist, who believes in the advancement of all creatures. “It’s a never-ending cycle. Who knows what’s chasing the coyote, and what’s chasing the thing chasing the coyote?”
Without the extreme confusion, there is some truth to the theory that all animals should be allowed to strive for greatness, even if it means eating a human or two, or landing on a speeding comet.
Collegian Believe with Steve columnist Steven Jacobs can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.