Note: this article is satirical.
Although the 2014 ASCSU student body election season started only a week ago, already a series of increasingly outrageous scandals have threatened to derail all four campaigns. The initial controversy began last Tuesday after it was revealed that Deep Badesha, of the Deep/Naomi campaign, failed to sign in at the Eddy computer lab.
Five protests, three riots and one tearful apology later, most CSU voters thought the worst of the campaign scandals had passed.
“The Eddy incident was just the tip of the iceberg though,” said CNN analyst/part-time super villain Quinn Bigley from inside his aquatic bunker at Horsetooth Reservoir, just moments before firing a nuke at a submarine.
To deflect attention away from the Eddy incident, the Deep/Naomi campaign accused Chelsey Green of the Chelsey/Kohl campaign’s grandmother of failing to dismount from her wheelchair in a dismount zone during a rally, thus threatening an untold number of lives.
After Green’s grandmother was arrested, the Chelsey/Kohl campaign accused the Corona/Hentze campaign of a candy violation. Specifically, the accusation asserted that their campaign stripper, Candy O’Neil, had been campaigning on the plaza outside of the designed campaign time.
In order to get the spotlight off of them, the Corona/Hentze campaign quickly accused Samantha Guinn and Lance Li Puma of the Guinn/Li Puma campaign of actually being two CU Boulder students trying to take over ASCSU in a Machiavellian attempt to destroy CSU from the inside.
What followed over the next few days was a series of vicious accusations by all four campaigns, the highlights of which have been summarized below:
Li Puma of the Guinn/Li Puma campaign was accused of actually being two 1920s newsboys wearing a trench coat in an attempt to pass as a grown man in an attempt to see an R-rated movie that quickly spiraled out of control.
In turn, the Kohl/Chelsey campaign was accused of unfair signage placement, as they were caught stapling fliers to the heads of passersby on the plaza.
Deep Badhesha and Naomi Lyle were both accused of being liberal arts majors.
Alexander Corona of the Corona/Hantze campaign was accused of using his connections to shut down the bike lane in between the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial and the Eddy building, causing hour long delays, because, as everyone knows, bikers do not know how to walk.
We here at The Water Closet Weekly are so disgusted with the amount of corruption and exploitation on the part of the ASCSU candidates that we have decided to throw our own name into the ring. We will be running on a bold platform of more money for The Water Closet Weekly, or, alternatively, some money for The Water Closet Weekly. This election season, be sure to vote for integrity, honesty and democracy. We are willing to pay for your vote.
The Water Closet Weekly is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker.