A recent study by the CSU horticulture department has confirmed that Sherwood Forest is not even a little bit enchanted.
“After extensive research, we have found Sherwood Forest to be devoid of any magic, whimsy, necromancy or occultism,” said Professor Higginbottom as she leafed through a thesaurus. “For a minute I thought I saw something magical, but it was just the Quidditch team flying around the forest. It must have been a Tuesday.”
The study was announced after two freshmen in Higginbottom’s Intro to Horticulture class returned 30 minutes late from a partner activity requiring students to find and capture a pinecone. When Jill Pucci and Jack Wharry finally returned to class, their hair was disheveled, their faces were flushed and Wharry kept trying to high five everyone, sources report.
When asked what took them so long, Wharry replied, “We were just looking for pinecones when a—uh—magical centaur—yeah, a magical centaur—lured us into Sherwood Forest where we were trapped for several minutes because of a spell that was cast upon us, since Sherwood Forest is—uh—enchanted and all.”
Wharry then uncomfortably scratched the back of his neck and added, “That is also why we were unable to bring back a pinecone.”
Her long-held suspicions confirmed, Higginbottom immediately dismissed class, high-fived Wharry and exited the classroom to begin her research.
“She just left us like that, in the middle of lecture,” reported a particularly distraught student. “She never even told us where pinecones come from.”
Over the next 48 hours, Higginbottom worked tirelessly to find trace elements of magic in Sherwood Forest.
“The tests were all very scientific and empirical,” Higginbottom said. “I tried everything from sprinkling pixie dust, to listening to The Pixies to getting a pixie haircut. Nothing worked, so I moved on to the word ‘fairy.’”
However, after her elaborate wordplay failed a second time, Higginbottom was forced to return the Staten Island Ferry to the New York City Department of Transportation and admit defeat. “The magic beans didn’t even work,” Higginbottom said.
“I traded three cows and Cam the Ram for nothing.” Higginbottom then sighed wistfully and concluded that there is no magic left in this world. “Not even in the eyes of a small child,” Higginbottom said.
Wharry still believes there was some magic in Sherwood Forest.
“I don’t care what anyone says—I had a magical experience that afternoon,” Wharry said. “At first we were just looking for pinecones, but it turned into something so much more than that. It was life changing—I can’t even begin to describe it.” Wharry then trailed off before adding, “Sherwood Forest, I mean.”
“It was ok, I guess,” reported Wharry’s lab partner Jill Pucci. “He couldn’t find the pinecone.”
Collegian guest columnists Niles Hachmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker from The Water Closet Weekly can be reached at email@example.com. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com.