Bike cop Bryan Long was hailed as a hero this Sunday after ticketing skateboarder Daniel Kuhl for riding in the bike lane. The incident, which has been referred to as a near catastrophe, occurred at approximately 4:20 p.m. outside Allison Hall. Officer Long has been praised for saving a countless, untold number of lives.
“What most people don’t know about the CSU Police Department is that we employ a heavily educated team of chaos theorists poached from Harvard, Yale and Jurassic Park,” said Police Chief Hector Board. “Had that boy not been ticketed, all hell would surely have broken loose.”
According to the chaos theorists, if Kuhl had continued to skate in the bike lane, he would have arrived at the Durrell Center three minutes earlier and set into motion a series of interconnected, seemingly random events that would eventually lead to a catastrophe comparable to the Titanic, the Hindenburg and the short-lived CSU knife-juggling team.
“Every time we ticket a bicyclist or skateboarder, we are doing so in an attempt to control chaos and limit disasters,” Board said. “The parking cops, too.”
As Kuhl skated down the bike lane, putting thousands of future lives in jeopardy, onlookers let out a collective gasp, terrified of the doom which was surely imminent as an indirect result of the young man’s actions. Just as all seemed lost, however, a noise rang out in the distance. Thought at first to be the sound of justice, it was simply Officer Long ringing his fifty-cent Dora the Explorer themed bike bell.
“Stop!” Long shouted to Kuhl in between desperate gasps for air, “…in the name of the future.”
Kuhl was forced to come to a halt in front of Long, who, to the riotous cheers of the onlookers, was promptly ticketed.
“He’s just so dreamy,” swooned onlooker Erin O’Dowdy as she watched the scene unfold. “The way his braces and knee pads shine in the sunlight…it’s almost too much.”
Long then attempted to wink at the crowd, but instead made his right eye twitch uncontrollably and accidentally dropped the sugar-free lollipop that he had been sucking on for some time. O’Dowdy and several others fainted, overcome by the officer’s ability to save the future.
“My God,” said Board, during an interview inside the Chaos Theory office as he looked in horror at the intricate webs of string plastered around the room signifying the myriad of possible future outcomes hinging on events as small and as seemingly insignificant as the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. “It’s all so fragile.”
As of press time, a man in a wheelchair has been apprehended for trying to ride inside a dismount zone, thereby preventing what Chaos theorists have described as “the violent death of the universe.”
The Water Closet Weekly is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com.