Editor’s note: This is a satirical series that appears Wednesdays in the Collegian and is produced by the student publication, The Water Closet Weekly.
Just after shouting “YOLO” and taking a shot of tequila at a house party Friday night, CSU student and recent bike crash survivor, Amanda Yoder, began a lengthy dialogue concerning the fragility of human life.
“I could have been killed in that crash,” Yoder reportedly told a party-goer. “Maybe I should have been. Who knows? But what I do know is that we need to treasure every precious moment we have left in our mortal coils.”
Yoder then took two more shots, told an acquaintance that he was “hella sexy” and spent a good seven-and-a-half minutes attempting to teach onlookers how to pole dance on a load-bearing column.
“She was saying some deep, profound stuff that made me really examine myself and my life choices,” said partygoer Forrest Joplin, moments after taking his ninth Jell-O shot and seconds before his tenth. “I always knew it intellectually but I had never really considered that I only have one chance at this miraculous thing we call life. It really makes you think about what’s important.”
Joplin passed out moments later and was unavailable for further comment.
Yoder, however, continued to preach the importance of living each day to the fullest hours even after the police broke up the party due to multiple noise complaints.
“It’s not enough to live every day to the fullest — we must tell others this great and horrible secret of our impending mortality. We must YOLO from the highest peaks. In particular, it is important that we impart this message to the younger generation,” she said.
Yoder then kissed a baby on the forehead, patted it on the back and whispered, “Don’t let a moment of this life pass unnoticed.”
The baby has since been taken into custody by social services.
“At the end of the day, all we have is our actions and the lives that we have touched,” Yoder said just moments before aggressively vomiting into the nearest sink. “We must make the most of the time that is given to us.”
The Water Closet Weekly is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker and they can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com.