A tour of the CSU campus took an unexpected detour last week, after tour guide Brendan Busby inadvertently led a group of prospective students and their families into the fiery depths of Hell.
“The tour started out like any other,” Busby said, “I gave a whole spiel about how filthy, stinking rich the new stadium was going to make us, and even cozied up to a few of the mothers, but things took a turn.”
Specifically, the wrong turn occurred at the corner of the Johnson building and a bike rack, when the tour group stumbled into a coven, fiddled with a Ouija board, entered a “spooky-looking” elevator and repeatedly pressed the button for floor 666.
“And just like that, we were in Hell,” Busby said. “It was unavoidable, really.”
Luckily for the prospective students, Busby had always sort of figured it would go down like this. Upon seeing fire, brimstone and someone other than his kooky Uncle Leo running around in red pajamas, Busby whipped out his Eternal Damnation Survival Kit, which all authority figures should keep on them at all times.
“I’m not a hero,” Busby said, trying to play it all cool, but intermittently mispronouncing words and spitting a little. “I’m just a man with a badge, a tour group and a gun.”
Busby’s firearm privileges have since been revoked.
Using the wealth of training granted to him through a three hour orientation meeting, Busby was able to lead his tour group out of Hell.
“We just followed the exit signs,” said Busby triumphantly.
Upon exiting the elevator from Hell, the tour group toasted Busby with champagne that had just been lying around.
“To Busby,” they shouted, “The richest man in Corbett Hall!” And then they all started singing “Auld-Lang-Syne,” a bell rang, and Cam the Ram, having finally earned his wings, flew off into the sunset and danced forever with the stars.
Collegian Guest Columnists Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker from The Water Closet Weekly can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com.