Your Facebook and Twitter feeds have probably been blowing up with political issues for months. I don’t know about you, but I always take to heart what my friends say about candidates and their policies, but…. wait, just kidding. No I don’t.
I also make sure to tune in to every debate, because hearing two talking heads banter back and forth about money and lies appeals to me. Who knows, maybe one of the candidates will actually change my mind about who I should vote for. But then again, that will probably never happen to me, ever.
In high school I was an active Young Democrat, but since I’ve been in college I’ve slowly transformed into a Young I-Don’t-Give-a-Crap. I worked closely with a few local politicians only to learn that they were not they type of people I ever wanted to associate myself with, and certainly not people I ever wanted to give power to.
However, I’m a patriot, and I’m going to vote for someone just out of principle. I’ll let my voice be heard now so I have the right to complain later. And because I don’t trust anything a politician says I’m going to ignore candidates’ campaign promises and views on divisive issues. Instead, I will rely on a far more practical, no-nonsense method of selection.
I’m going to base my vote this year wholly on what candidate has the best horoscope. It can’t be any less practical than separating the facts from the lies and making an informed decision, can it?
I’ll start off with President Barack Obama. He was born on Aug. 4, 1961, which makes him a Leo and his horoscope says that he needs to release tension from his life. It also says, “You may have become habitually used to high pressure environments, forgetting that peace and quiet also have their own special value too.” It also mentioned that Obama has difficulty maintaining stable relationships, and that his lucky color is electric blue.
Next up we have Mitt Romney, born on March 12, 1947. Mitt is a Pisces, and although this makes him highly ambitious, he will apparently have more impartiality than others, so his fairness will be evident. It also urges him to, “…try to select a job where you have plenty of scope to determine your own path which will assure you material success.” Mitt’s lucky colors are lemon and other sandy shades.
Just for giggles I looked up Paul Ryan’s horoscope. He was born on Jan. 29, 1970, and his horoscope urges him to slow down and says that his motto would be, “More is better.” It also says that some of his friends are unreliable and, “…may in fact be taking advantage of you.”
As any good American does while voting, I am also going to consider a few alternative candidates. Perhaps the Cosmos have written a grand destiny for them, too.
I’ll now turn to Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, born on Jan. 1, 1953. This makes Gary a Capricorn, and endows him with a sobering, down-to-earth approach to life. Apparently the Sun causes him to be independent, but also stubborn and creative. It seems that he will excel as a leader, and his competitive instincts will help him “climb the ladder of success”.
Last but certainly not least, we have Jill Stein of the Green Party, and her birthday is May 14, 1950, which makes her a Taurus. The horoscope predicts that she will have many lucky breaks, and will be fearless in the face of danger. However, she also needs to learn persistence, “…and mustn’t change mid-stream lest you forfeit the results of your hard work.”
So now we have it; the infinite wisdom from The Cosmos have spoken. Or rather, the horoscope generator from www.astrology.com.au has spoken.
Earlier I said I don’t trust politicians. Well, I actually don’t believe in horoscopes either. I think from a statistical standpoint, the likelihood of a horoscope coming true is about the same as a candidate sticking to his/her campaign promises. They’re both at the same level when we’re talking about trustworthiness, and that is a pitiful thought for a young voter like myself. I think voting is important, but I won’t let myself drown in a cesspool of forgotten promises and convoluted ideas.
But if you’re still wondering who I’m going to vote for — it’s actually tie between my dad and Stephen Colbert.
Quinn Scahill is a senior English major. His columns appear Fridays in the Collegian. Letters and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.