Citing the increased difficulty of providing adequate food and housing to a rapidly growing student population, CSU Housing and Dining Services announced today a new “Lord of The Flies-style” open housing policy to begin immediately for all students seeking to live on campus during the 2016 school year.
According to the administration, the new policy will let students decide housing and distribution of dining resources for themselves through autonomous, anarchial self-governance. Upon arrival to the dorms, incoming students may seek food and shelter independently, or form tribes with other students in order to compete for greater access to resources and enhance their trading capabilities in bartering for alcohol and sex. In order to retain a focus on academics, every student participating in honors programs will be given a hunting knife in their first lecture. Campus officials added that University regulations and the Geneva Conventions will be suspended in residential areas on campus to allow students the freedom to interact and compete for survival under their own means.
“We think it’s really important that students know that this university values expression above all,” Richard Lionel, Executive Director of Housing and Dining Services, said. “If you want to sell your friend into slavery for another night of sleep in an air-conditioned room, you know, more power to you. If you want to burn a kid’s face on a waffle iron until he gives you some decent weed, we’ve got your back.”
Lionel emphasized that while he personally recommends feudalism as the most stable option for on-campus living, authorities at CSU will not push students to organize themselves in any particular way.
“While oppressive, hierarchical power structures are generally best at providing people the security to survive, we want to see what innovative new ways students come up with to not have their heads cut off by their hungry, homeless peers,” Lionel said. “We’re not going to stop any lone wolves out there if they want to camp out to protect valuable resources like the vending machines or the sick-ass chocolate milk dispenser in Braiden.”
While the University expects the new policy will result in “probably at least some” casualties among students, officials believe the experience will teach new students about the importance of teamwork, compromise and sacrifice as competition for dwindling resources intensifies during the winter months.
“We love to emphasize community here on campus and the idea that every day provides a new opportunity to learn,” Student Engagement Officer Zee Jay said. “If a student were to come to me like, ‘Zee, there’s a blizzard coming and a gang from Allison just sacked my dorm and cut my hands off because I wouldn’t share the passwords for the Wi-Fi,’ well, that’s a great time for a teachable moment.”
At press time, some students could already be seen constructing makeshift turrets on the roof of Westfall Hall.