Editor’s Note: This blog is satirical.
Last Tuesday, Republican nominee hopeful Ben Carson added to an already bizarre campaign by stating on Fox Business Network’s Cavuto Coast to Coast his opposition to putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. He told Cavuto that a better fit for Tubman would be on the $2 bill.
“Well, I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary,” Carson said. “I mean, a tremendous president,” he told Cavuto.
Carson appeared to forget Jackson was a president for a moment, and forgot Jackson’s notorious roll in the Trail of Tears and as a slave-holder for the entirety of the show.
What’s more? He made these comments on the nation-wide holiday of 4/20. Coincidence? Experts think not.
“Honestly, I think he’s been super high this whole time,” said political analyst Kara Lean. “Besides, the weird comments on the biggest stoner holiday of the year, this entire campaign he’s spoken at a strangely slow pace, with his eyes looking like they’re about to close, and he delivers strange convoluted tangents that sound insightful, but are really just nonsense.”
Lean has been following the circus that has been this election season for a year now.
She said that there are at least 100 aspects to this election that she feels are more worth her time than analyzing how high Ben Carson is, but jobs for political analysts are scarce, and something has to pay for her expensive Xanax addiction.
According to Lean’s findings, Carson is almost undoubtedly high all the time.
“Have you ever heard him speak? I think it’s safe to say he’s stoned out of his mind pretty much all they time,” said expert stoner Ian Levi. “It’s probably good stuff too, because he says some pretty weird shit.”
Carson’s campaign manager Ed Brookover denied the allegations that the presidential hopeful is a marijuana enthusiast however, Cypress Hill’s song “I want to get high” could be faintly heard coming from the candidate’s office.
Collegian Satire Blogger Tatiana Parafiniuk-Talesnick can be reached online at email@example.com or on Twitter at @TatianaSophiaPT.