Based on the March 1 RamTalk — “The moment when you think you’ve spotted weed on your floor and then you realize it’s just goose poo.”
Editor’s note: This column is satire and a work of fiction. The Collegian is not liable if you try to consume goose droppings, or really anything you find on the ground.
Geese are well known for what they choose to drop from their humble bodies, as well as how often they choose to do so. Across the CSU campus, there is an obvious indicator that the waterfowl have been nearly everywhere. Their diet consists mainly of grass and human souls, which is reflected in their stools that are spread so neatly around Fort Collins.
However, a newly discovered subspecies of goose has been secreting a substance that is more valuable and sought after than the fabled golden egg; they expel marijuana. Geese are flying higher than ever.
The Fish, Wildlife and Conservation Biology Department here at Colorado State recently discovered and described this new species and brought these “Green Geese” back to campus with them. The exotic birds are expected to thrive at CSU.
Students are overwhelmingly excited about the arrival of these feathered nugget producers. Sophomore CSU student Chan Fredick is ecstatic about the discovery.
“Chill,” Fredick said, “I can’t wait to go and clean up goose poo on campus. As soon as I’m done with these Bagel Bites dipped in soy sauce. Want some?”
A junior here at CSU is even building aviaries for the creatures. Kimburly Oland is making what she calls progress on these bird homes.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m going to do it eventually,” Oland said as geese roamed around her filthy house. “It’s just that this goose sh*t is really good! Try some!”
Scientists believe that environmental pressures in Colorado are what caused the geese to start creating marijuana in preparation for the passing of Amendment 64. The “Green Geese” are progressive and with the times.
Please be advised that if you see these geese, keep calm and do not feed them. They’re always hungry.